Blog Closed

07May09

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…and it’s all pretty comfortable so far. I didn’t go to a meeting again as I was at Villa Park which is where I will be this coming Monday too.

So I plan on going tomorrow. Unfortunately a probem is caused as I have the option of going out on the night and the last time I went to go to a Thursday morning meeting it wasn’t on!

I want to go to a meeting. I want to get in a room and be around other alcoholics at the moment. Why? Well I see it as a positive experience and I believe it has helped me stay sober so far. It has been far too long since I last attended a meeting and whilst they have been genuine circumstances and not a case of me just ‘not going’, I am getting a desire to go.  I do not feel like I really NEED to go, I just WANT to. That said, there is the possibility of tomorrow night, I am out on Saturday, on Monday I have free drink on offer and then the Saturday after it is my birthday. Therefore there is lots of temptation; so maybe I do need a meeting.

The thing is, I don’t know how to be any other way. Sure I can stay in and blog! But really, what kind of life is it? I have no job, so do I stay in day after day, night after night? Ultimately I created this situation for myself, so I suppose I deserve it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though.

I’ll keep you all informed over teh next few (tricky) days.


Well, it is nearly Sunday but that is even sadder really… this used to be key party time!

I haven’t updated for a couple of days purely because I haven’t had much to say. I didn’t manage the meeting on Thursday as I was trying to put a job application form together that had to be in by midday Friday. The truth is I want to – and will – go to another meeting soon (probably Monday) but it is because I want to go and be in a room with other members. In terms of NEEDING to, I don’t feel like that, and that is largely because I am at home. I am trying hard to get a new job and I will be happy when I get one but I will genuinely be seeing that as the REAL test of how sobriety is in my life once that happens.

As I have said before, I find the ‘Saturday tea-time’ hard because it was always my favourite part of the evening… getting the first drinks down us, the banter with the lads, anticipating the fun night ahead. But tonight I even managed to breeze through because I had a curry 🙂

Don’t get that twisted though; I am not getting complacent about my sobriety. Here is an example – next Saturday night we are having a night out. I can barely afford it but it will be okay because I drink cordial. However, if I feel that I can not do that, then I will either not go out or if I feel like that when I am out, I will go home early. The bottom line is that I think I will be okay but, while I am pleased that thinking about drink is definitely lessening, I am ready to play very safe if need be. It will probably annoy some people, however my real mates will understand, and hell to anyone that has a problem with it.

So that is it. Half-way through the weekend, and feeling happy. Not too shabby for KIMBO!


That is how long I have been sober.

It’s been good. I haven’t been to an AA meeting in a while though so I plan on going tomorrow. I was going to go on Monday but I applied for two jobs that had closing dates of yesterday and today, so opted to delay my meeting attendance by three days. I am quite looking forward to it. But I am pleased with two months. Definitely.

I’ve been thinking the last few days about how it’s a shame I never had a farewell session. Not that I plan on having a grand finale or anything, just thinking it’s a shame that the last time I had a drink was on my own and not amongst friends. But then most of my drinking in the last few months was on my own with headphones blasting music in my ears; just absolute escapism.

Another anniversary is today and that is  my Dad hasn’t had a cigarette in 14 months. Which means the last day of his first year of non-smoking was my first day of sobriety… what a strange coincidence that was! I’m very proud of him. I am sure in many ways it is very similar, what he is going through. There are obvious differences, but I am sure that there are some similarities too.

I have had no desire to drink since Friday, which is good. I went the pub for lunch yesterday and had no desire at all to have a drink. The person I met for lunch had a pint and it did not not bother me at all; in fact, if I suspect someone is not drinking on my behalf that makes me feel more awkward. I admit I do not want to be around drunk people and I can control those circumstances. However, I really have no issue with people drinking in my company, and I hope no-one ever feels like they shouldn’t drink around me.

I was in the pub on Monday lunchtime too, again with no thought of alcohol even passing through my brain. The last two days it has been nice to get out of the flat, and I have seen some mates from where I was working, which has been grand. The truth is I have no idea how many more times I will get to see them, so it is something I have no problem making the effort with – obviously assuming that is reciprocated to a certain extent.

So, just over half-way through the week and it’s been a good week so far. It would be nice to end it with a £66m Euromillions win on Friday! 🙂


Weekend Update

20Apr09

After the scare on Friday, my weekend passed pretty comfortably. It helps that me having to be sensible with money whilst being out of work (not that I shouldn’t be sensible with money when I’m back in work but you know what I mean!) makes it easy to opt to stay out of pubs.

Indeed, finances are a strong factor in the life of virtually every person on the planet and with the current predicament that most people are struggling with, there are less people going out drinking on such a regular basis. That, coupled with the fact that people know I no longer drink means I will get less and less invites to go out anyway. When you throw in the fact that my former work colleagues will inevitably forget about me (I’m not complaining, just realistic about how these things work) then I start to wonder what actually is left of my social life!

When a lot of people quit drinking they tend to be older than I am, and so in many cases already have a marriage and possibly children. That is not something I have and one has to question how I am supposed to meet new people in my new found lack of a social life.

But, as with everything in life, why not look at the positives instead? My life was spiralling out of control before I stopped drinking; now I feel like I am back in control. My health was deteriorating from drink; my health is now improving. My personality under alcohol had become far too unpredictable; I now feel happier and calmer than I have done in years.

I could go on – but the point is that now I am in a position where I am more likely to be able to handle new people and relationships in my life in a much better way than I had been doing. I have driven a wedge between myself and so many of my friends & family over the last couple of years that I don’t know how much chance I have of ever being as close to them as I should be. What I do know however is that I at least now have a fighting chance, and that whilst I can’t guarantee harmony in the future of any of my past, present or future relationships, I am better placed now than at any point in my adult life to give it a damn good go.

So that’s me looking on the bright side on a Monday morning! I have a to-do list that I have given myself for the week and this feels like a good start!


I very nearly drank today.

Drink hadn’t been on my mind all day. It’s not now – really is not.

But between around 4pm and 5pm I had six different items of bad news. None of them devastating, all just small, minor issues, almost more inconveniences than anything else. But they come at such speed in such a small amount of time that I was left tearing my hair out, and I needed to relax.

No-one was home apart from me. I walked into the living room, opened the wall unit, and pulled out a bottle of Jamesons. I held it for a while. I opened it, took a smell. Closed the top again, held it in my hand. I rested on the arm of one of the chairs in the living room & just sat there, staring at it.

“Just a few sips”, I was thinking. “Just enough to dull the senses. Take the edge off, like. I wont get drunk. Just get in the zone.”

But as I sat there, I looked up from the bottle and there was a picture of my Nan Bradnock opposite me; the Nan who passed away in 2007. I looked at her and started thinking how proud of me she probably is, and while I might be able to hide it, I would not be able to hide it from her. The thing is, even if there is nothing after this life, that belief in her being able to see me means that ultimately I will not be able to hide such failures from myself.

(On a side-note, if there is such a thing as the ‘higher power’ that people at AA talk about then I don’t think mine is any God. I think mine is my Nan Bradnock, my Grandad Kimberly, my uncle (& godfather) David, my aunt (& godmother) Pat, & the two girls I was really close to, Hayley & Jenny. They are what I believe in when it comes to having spirituality in our lives. But I digress…)

So I started to think about why not to drink. But I was so wound up! So I decided to think about each little problem, break them down and all round none of them was that big; a bill to be paid here, a job application turned down there. Nothing worth drinking over.

After that, I got up, put the Jamesons back in the cabinet, kissed the photo of my Nan and went back to this laptop to carry on sharing my views with the world… Tonight, as I type, I feel calm now. I don’t feel like drinking and I feel a little pleased that I didn’t jump head first into an old solution to (and cause of) my problems.

Today was a warning shot. However, no-one said this was going to be easy; quite the opposite. Today was a stark reminder, but thankfully that’s all it was.


Yep, I have had a lazy day today. I have watched two films (‘The Italian Job’, and ‘Deliverance’) stayed in bed and got up to eat and go the loo. I am still not feeling 100% and to be honest did not have the motivation to go through the same job websites that I have been trawling through since February.

Now that may sound like I am feeling down but the truth is that I am a happy chappy, just a tired one. I did not have a great night sleep last night and it has showed today. I am happy though; I had a really nice e-mail from someone today regarding this blog and suffice it to say that made me very proud. I like writing this site because I love to write, it is what is in my heart and head and it is helping my sobriety. There is also the added bonus that other alcoholics have read it and have found it helpful. I find that to be absolutely amazing and exceptionally satisfying. It really gives me the motivation to keep writing.

The weekend is coming and that is the hardest time for me… but I tell you what, I used to LOVE my Thursday nights!

I would have always sacrificed a Friday and/or Saturday if it meant going out on a Thursday. Not just because that it was usually a cheaper night, but it just seemed to be a better night. Nearly always you could guarantee that all the lads would be out, plus there was the taboo of having to be in work the next morning; I went through a long phase in 2002-2004 where I was hardly ever sober on a Friday morning. In 2003 (the year of the Maverick) in particular, I would be back in the pub at lunch for a top-up, then back out straight after work. Consequently most weeks in 2003 saw me drunk from early Thursday night through to Saturday lunchtime. Believe it or not, that was incredibly calm and sensible compared to the last couple of years of my life, but that is another discussion.

Thursday nights were always my favourite; today I am – very genuinely – happy with this Thursday night of a cup of tea and an early night.