Halfway through the week…
…and it’s all pretty comfortable so far. I didn’t go to a meeting again as I was at Villa Park which is where I will be this coming Monday too.
So I plan on going tomorrow. Unfortunately a probem is caused as I have the option of going out on the night and the last time I went to go to a Thursday morning meeting it wasn’t on!
I want to go to a meeting. I want to get in a room and be around other alcoholics at the moment. Why? Well I see it as a positive experience and I believe it has helped me stay sober so far. It has been far too long since I last attended a meeting and whilst they have been genuine circumstances and not a case of me just ‘not going’, I am getting a desire to go. I do not feel like I really NEED to go, I just WANT to. That said, there is the possibility of tomorrow night, I am out on Saturday, on Monday I have free drink on offer and then the Saturday after it is my birthday. Therefore there is lots of temptation; so maybe I do need a meeting.
The thing is, I don’t know how to be any other way. Sure I can stay in and blog! But really, what kind of life is it? I have no job, so do I stay in day after day, night after night? Ultimately I created this situation for myself, so I suppose I deserve it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though.
I’ll keep you all informed over teh next few (tricky) days.
Filed under: Alcoholism | 1 Comment
Tags: AA, Aston Villa
Updating on a Saturday night!
Well, it is nearly Sunday but that is even sadder really… this used to be key party time!
I haven’t updated for a couple of days purely because I haven’t had much to say. I didn’t manage the meeting on Thursday as I was trying to put a job application form together that had to be in by midday Friday. The truth is I want to – and will – go to another meeting soon (probably Monday) but it is because I want to go and be in a room with other members. In terms of NEEDING to, I don’t feel like that, and that is largely because I am at home. I am trying hard to get a new job and I will be happy when I get one but I will genuinely be seeing that as the REAL test of how sobriety is in my life once that happens.
As I have said before, I find the ‘Saturday tea-time’ hard because it was always my favourite part of the evening… getting the first drinks down us, the banter with the lads, anticipating the fun night ahead. But tonight I even managed to breeze through because I had a curry 
Don’t get that twisted though; I am not getting complacent about my sobriety. Here is an example – next Saturday night we are having a night out. I can barely afford it but it will be okay because I drink cordial. However, if I feel that I can not do that, then I will either not go out or if I feel like that when I am out, I will go home early. The bottom line is that I think I will be okay but, while I am pleased that thinking about drink is definitely lessening, I am ready to play very safe if need be. It will probably annoy some people, however my real mates will understand, and hell to anyone that has a problem with it.
So that is it. Half-way through the weekend, and feeling happy. Not too shabby for KIMBO!
Filed under: Alcoholism | Leave a Comment
Tags: AA, Alcohol, Curry, Friendship, Weekend
Two Months Yesterday
That is how long I have been sober.
It’s been good. I haven’t been to an AA meeting in a while though so I plan on going tomorrow. I was going to go on Monday but I applied for two jobs that had closing dates of yesterday and today, so opted to delay my meeting attendance by three days. I am quite looking forward to it. But I am pleased with two months. Definitely.
I’ve been thinking the last few days about how it’s a shame I never had a farewell session. Not that I plan on having a grand finale or anything, just thinking it’s a shame that the last time I had a drink was on my own and not amongst friends. But then most of my drinking in the last few months was on my own with headphones blasting music in my ears; just absolute escapism.
Another anniversary is today and that is my Dad hasn’t had a cigarette in 14 months. Which means the last day of his first year of non-smoking was my first day of sobriety… what a strange coincidence that was! I’m very proud of him. I am sure in many ways it is very similar, what he is going through. There are obvious differences, but I am sure that there are some similarities too.
I have had no desire to drink since Friday, which is good. I went the pub for lunch yesterday and had no desire at all to have a drink. The person I met for lunch had a pint and it did not not bother me at all; in fact, if I suspect someone is not drinking on my behalf that makes me feel more awkward. I admit I do not want to be around drunk people and I can control those circumstances. However, I really have no issue with people drinking in my company, and I hope no-one ever feels like they shouldn’t drink around me.
I was in the pub on Monday lunchtime too, again with no thought of alcohol even passing through my brain. The last two days it has been nice to get out of the flat, and I have seen some mates from where I was working, which has been grand. The truth is I have no idea how many more times I will get to see them, so it is something I have no problem making the effort with – obviously assuming that is reciprocated to a certain extent.
So, just over half-way through the week and it’s been a good week so far. It would be nice to end it with a £66m Euromillions win on Friday!
Filed under: Alcoholism | 2 Comments
Tags: AA, Anniversary, Euroillions, Family, Friendship, Lottery, Lunch, Smoking
Weekend Update
After the scare on Friday, my weekend passed pretty comfortably. It helps that me having to be sensible with money whilst being out of work (not that I shouldn’t be sensible with money when I’m back in work but you know what I mean!) makes it easy to opt to stay out of pubs.
Indeed, finances are a strong factor in the life of virtually every person on the planet and with the current predicament that most people are struggling with, there are less people going out drinking on such a regular basis. That, coupled with the fact that people know I no longer drink means I will get less and less invites to go out anyway. When you throw in the fact that my former work colleagues will inevitably forget about me (I’m not complaining, just realistic about how these things work) then I start to wonder what actually is left of my social life!
When a lot of people quit drinking they tend to be older than I am, and so in many cases already have a marriage and possibly children. That is not something I have and one has to question how I am supposed to meet new people in my new found lack of a social life.
But, as with everything in life, why not look at the positives instead? My life was spiralling out of control before I stopped drinking; now I feel like I am back in control. My health was deteriorating from drink; my health is now improving. My personality under alcohol had become far too unpredictable; I now feel happier and calmer than I have done in years.
I could go on – but the point is that now I am in a position where I am more likely to be able to handle new people and relationships in my life in a much better way than I had been doing. I have driven a wedge between myself and so many of my friends & family over the last couple of years that I don’t know how much chance I have of ever being as close to them as I should be. What I do know however is that I at least now have a fighting chance, and that whilst I can’t guarantee harmony in the future of any of my past, present or future relationships, I am better placed now than at any point in my adult life to give it a damn good go.
So that’s me looking on the bright side on a Monday morning! I have a to-do list that I have given myself for the week and this feels like a good start!
Filed under: Alcoholism | 3 Comments
Tags: Alcohol, Family, Friendship, Money, Relationships
Friday – A Close Call
I very nearly drank today.
Drink hadn’t been on my mind all day. It’s not now – really is not.
But between around 4pm and 5pm I had six different items of bad news. None of them devastating, all just small, minor issues, almost more inconveniences than anything else. But they come at such speed in such a small amount of time that I was left tearing my hair out, and I needed to relax.
No-one was home apart from me. I walked into the living room, opened the wall unit, and pulled out a bottle of Jamesons. I held it for a while. I opened it, took a smell. Closed the top again, held it in my hand. I rested on the arm of one of the chairs in the living room & just sat there, staring at it.
“Just a few sips”, I was thinking. “Just enough to dull the senses. Take the edge off, like. I wont get drunk. Just get in the zone.”
But as I sat there, I looked up from the bottle and there was a picture of my Nan Bradnock opposite me; the Nan who passed away in 2007. I looked at her and started thinking how proud of me she probably is, and while I might be able to hide it, I would not be able to hide it from her. The thing is, even if there is nothing after this life, that belief in her being able to see me means that ultimately I will not be able to hide such failures from myself.
(On a side-note, if there is such a thing as the ‘higher power’ that people at AA talk about then I don’t think mine is any God. I think mine is my Nan Bradnock, my Grandad Kimberly, my uncle (& godfather) David, my aunt (& godmother) Pat, & the two girls I was really close to, Hayley & Jenny. They are what I believe in when it comes to having spirituality in our lives. But I digress…)
So I started to think about why not to drink. But I was so wound up! So I decided to think about each little problem, break them down and all round none of them was that big; a bill to be paid here, a job application turned down there. Nothing worth drinking over.
After that, I got up, put the Jamesons back in the cabinet, kissed the photo of my Nan and went back to this laptop to carry on sharing my views with the world… Tonight, as I type, I feel calm now. I don’t feel like drinking and I feel a little pleased that I didn’t jump head first into an old solution to (and cause of) my problems.
Today was a warning shot. However, no-one said this was going to be easy; quite the opposite. Today was a stark reminder, but thankfully that’s all it was.
Filed under: Alcoholism | 1 Comment
Tags: AA, Alcohol, Career, Choices, Family, God, Jamesons, Money, Spirituality, Struggle
Thursday, a day in bed
Yep, I have had a lazy day today. I have watched two films (‘The Italian Job’, and ‘Deliverance’) stayed in bed and got up to eat and go the loo. I am still not feeling 100% and to be honest did not have the motivation to go through the same job websites that I have been trawling through since February.
Now that may sound like I am feeling down but the truth is that I am a happy chappy, just a tired one. I did not have a great night sleep last night and it has showed today. I am happy though; I had a really nice e-mail from someone today regarding this blog and suffice it to say that made me very proud. I like writing this site because I love to write, it is what is in my heart and head and it is helping my sobriety. There is also the added bonus that other alcoholics have read it and have found it helpful. I find that to be absolutely amazing and exceptionally satisfying. It really gives me the motivation to keep writing.
The weekend is coming and that is the hardest time for me… but I tell you what, I used to LOVE my Thursday nights!
I would have always sacrificed a Friday and/or Saturday if it meant going out on a Thursday. Not just because that it was usually a cheaper night, but it just seemed to be a better night. Nearly always you could guarantee that all the lads would be out, plus there was the taboo of having to be in work the next morning; I went through a long phase in 2002-2004 where I was hardly ever sober on a Friday morning. In 2003 (the year of the Maverick) in particular, I would be back in the pub at lunch for a top-up, then back out straight after work. Consequently most weeks in 2003 saw me drunk from early Thursday night through to Saturday lunchtime. Believe it or not, that was incredibly calm and sensible compared to the last couple of years of my life, but that is another discussion.
Thursday nights were always my favourite; today I am – very genuinely – happy with this Thursday night of a cup of tea and an early night.
Filed under: Alcoholism | 1 Comment
Tags: AA, Alcohol, Deliverance, Friday, Maverick, The Italian Job, Thursday
Tuesday & Wednesday – earache
I still feel a bit ill. Strangely, my ear hurts more than yesterday, but not as bad as Monday.
Therefore, booze isn’t on my mind much. I spent yesterday updating my other blogs (including another booze-related poem) actually doing something with my Twitter account that I opened on the 20th March.
I also started my own Facebook fan page – oh yes, the ego has landed! (Ego, not eagle… bloody hell Fieldhouse, what a clown!)
So booze hasn’t been on my mind too much the last couple of days.
If I feel better I will go to an AA meeting tomorrow. I think I would like to. I really missed not going on Monday.
The thing with AA meetings is, to take out what you want and leave the rest. For example, there is lots of talk of God, which I am not great at dealing with. I believe in something beyond basic life on Earth as we know it, but I do not believe in any traditional God per se. Now, I can not stress this enough – AA is not connected with any religion and does not attempt to force any religious beliefs on you. But some people there clearly believe in God and good for them. If it helps them then who am I to say otherwise? I am not insulting people that have religious beliefs, if anything I envy the comfort and belief that they get from it. It is just not me.
Another thing I heard one week was, “It is not in the rooms (AA meetings) where you get better, it is out there in the ‘real world’ where you get better”. Then the next week I heard, “It is in these rooms where you get better”. Great! Now, for me the truth of that is somewhere in the middle anyway, but that is the point – AA is not a definitive rigid system. There are people there that have different beliefs, and different attitudes. But there are general policies, there are the 12 steps and it is something that definitely helps.
At the meetings, I prefer to listen to the ‘old-school’ alcoholics that have been sober for a long time. With some people, it is all a bit of a drama and is them getting stuff off their chest which is great for them and hopefully it helps; with the older, more experienced heads it is more reflective, usually more humorous and is more in the shape of giving advice. That is not to say I don’t LIKE listening to the newer and younger members, because I like listening to all of it. Some of their experiences are closer to mine so that is of course, helpful.
I just genuinely find the meetings helpful and would strongly advise anyone that is struggling with alcohol to get themselves to a meeting; then take what they want, and leave the rest.
Filed under: AA, Alcoholism | Leave a Comment
Tags: AA, Alcoholism, Earache, Facebook, Poetry, Twitter
A Three Day-Update
Saturday – I didn’t update because my Sky+ memory was at 5%! So I spent the day watching some of the films & programmes that I had recorded.
Sunday – I didn’t update because I was at the Villa and met some of the lads on the night.
Monday – I didn’t update because I have an ear infection and stayed in bed yesterday.
Today I still have this ear infection and am in a lot of pain, and I will be going back to bed around lunchtime! But I have plenty to do and I haven’t any of my sites for a few days so thought I would rectify that.
So yesterday was an easy day not to drink (although booze may have dulled the pain!) but it did create a problem in as much as I didn’t go to a meeting last night. I suppose I could have took my hot water bottle and braved it out but I would have looked silly!
Now, going back a couple of days… on Saturday, I watched lots of TV and was supposed to be going to a party on the night. In the end, I did not go to the party. From my point of view, I was a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to it and would have got to say hello to a few people that I have not seen for a while and probably will not see for a good while longer now. But here is why I did not go… Jennings was going to come up with Wyatt, and Little Jenn was going to drive. So, neither of the Jennings brothers would be getting drunk. However as the Wy-man was ill, they didn’t go. Now, I still could have gone and I nearly did; but ultimately, I am convinced I would have drank. The lads that were there are good lads, and I love them; my sobriety has to take priority at the moment though, and Saturday seemed to be too big of a risk.
On to Sunday, and I had a good day. I saw a very enjoyable game at the Villa, and then had a beautiful dinner when I come home! After that I headed to Town to meet some of the lads. We spent the first couple of hours in the Square Peg. I was comfortable enough, we were just sitting at the table and had some banter. But the decision was made that we were going to head down to the Arcadian. I was fine with this at first, but then I got nervous. I ended up going the bar to get another cordial and a couple of other drinks… I am gong to be honest, I nearly – very nearly – ordered a few shots of vodka to stick in my cordial. After all, who would know? The lads couldn’t see me, vodka doesn’t smell, it would have just been in one pint so wouldn’t have been enough to get me drunk, just enough to relax my nerves, and apart from the barman, no-one would have seen it.
I decided not to though. The reason being, the deflation of it all. On Friday I made it to seven weeks, on Saturday I made it to 50 days and I was very proud. So why would I want to mess with that? I did come close. VERY close. So close that I am not sure I can go into somewhere that had the type of atmosphere that was in the Indi Bar ever again; or at least certainly not in the foreseeable future. I didn’t hate it in Indi Bar the way that I thought I would. The music was quite good, the lads I was with were sober and there plenty of attractive women to distract me! That said, I was incredibly uncomfortable. All those feelings of ‘not belonging’ were right on the surface and I would have preferred to have had enough alcohol to ‘numb’ me, but it would only have lead to chaos, not least involving me spending the kind of money that I really could not afford to spend, let alone the obvious other implications of me having alcohol.
I got through it though and I must thank the lads for making it easy on me, and add a special thanks to Lynda for taking a couple of minutes out of her fun night to say a few nice words of encouragement, and to Moose who I had a good chat with about it. After all, people go out to enjoy themselves and not to look after me, so the fact that they made the effort with me made me feel very appreciative.
Yesterday I missed an AA meeting for the first time since I started going, so I will probably try to get to one later in the week. I was a little disappointed to miss it, as I always feel better after them. But at least it was for a genuinely good reason, and not just because I didn’t want to go.
So three more days have passed, and three more days I have remained sober. It was a tricky challenge at times, but as I have managed to get through it, I have more reasons to be pleased with myself and ultimately, even more motivation to carry on doing it.
Thanks to the people that continue to be supportive, and hopefully it wont be three days before I next do an update!
Filed under: Alcoholism | 1 Comment
Tags: AA, Alcohol, Friendship
I have made it to seven weeks sober today. Strange then, that yesterday followed in the footsteps of the previous two days and felt relatively easy.
Yet today, drink is on my mind a lot.
It’s not the worst day I have had yet, that was three Sunday’s ago. Also, I will say, that it has got easier as the day has gone on.
I think the problem is just largely to the fact that it is Good Friday. Just two years ago, I had an absolutely amazingly brilliant day on Good Friday, followed by an even better Saturday as we headed to Blackburn to see a then-struggling Villa side pick up a crucial win that lead us on a run where we went from from ‘looking-over-our-shoulders’ to a comfortable 11th by the end of the season. A LOT of alcohol was consumed over them 2 days though, and I didn’t actually go to sleep from waking on Friday morning until I got back into Birmingham on the Saturday night.
I have done various things to bring myself back into the right frame of mind. I wrote a new poem on my One Man & His Poems site, which you can see if you click here – incidentally, I wrote another alcohol related poem on there on Tuesday, which you can see by clicking here – and I have done some reading of ‘The Big Blue Book’. I also thought about something that is very true – April 2007 was a brilliant Easter weekend. But virtually all my really good, happy drinking stories seem to be 2007 at the very latest. So I have to remember that with the exception of the odd day/night, my drinking in 2008 and early 2009 was not happy drinking and there were plenty of reasons why I stopped. While it is depressing to think about that, the truth is that it grounds me into remembering why I made a vow to stop drinking seven weeks ago, why I write this blog and why it would be catastrophic if I returned to alcohol. That is not to say I wont do it again, of course I can make no guarantees. What I do know though is that I wont drink today, and with the way I felt this morning, that is a bit of an achievement.
Hopefully them feelings will continue to decrease so that tomorrow I am in the right frame of mind in order to attend Kirsty & Michael’s engagement party. After all, me being seven weeks sober today, means that tomorrow I am fifty days sober… now why would I want to ruin the good feeling I get from that?
Filed under: Alcoholism | 2 Comments
Tags: AA, Alcohol, Aston Villa, Diary, Easter
Search
Recent Entries
Categories
- AA (7)
- Alcohol (11)
- Alcoholism (20)
- Anger (1)
- Diary (8)
- Happy (1)
- Proud (2)
- Reflection (1)
- Test (2)
- Testing (1)
- Uncategorized (2)
